My Journey Into Motherhood and Mothering a Special Needs Child.

She said I was going to go fast! She called my OB and told him I was progressing quickly. They put in an IV, I don’t remember why, because I had progressed to quickly and drugs were no longer an option. I did have gestational diabetes so I’m not sure if it was a precaution for that. At 2:43 am I was ready to push. I had no idea how and even though labour had progressed quickly, I was exhausted and it felt like every-bone in my pelvis was shattering. I’d spent most on my time on my hands and knees, because this was comfortable, but for some reason I was told to get on my back. I felt hot and like I was going to puke. 

Pushing helped relieve the pain. When I pushed well, the contractions didn’t hurt. I remember saying  “it hurts”, the nurse “yes it does”. It took a while for my whole body to get into the rhythm of pushing properly. It took practice, I was not good at it. But when I’d done it right, I could feel it was right. I cold hear his heart beat the entire time, so I focused on that rhythm. I was in pain, but I was in stillness. Diane kept checking. “He has hair”! My husband looked. Thank goodness he didn’t faint. I could see his excitement growing and I saw that as progress,  I was making progress, baby was getting lower, otherwise my only measure was the pain of the contractions and I break I had in-between.

My OB was called and then it’s kind of a blur. I needed an episiotomy. The needle hurt but I barely remember the pain. Once my doctor made the cut, he asked me to stop pushing.

WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN STOP PUSHING?!

I didn’t speak, I was so focused, but how do you stop something you’d been working so hard on for the last hour? Stop pushing, was realy hard. And I wasn’t ready for that command. This too had been left out from the prenatal class and all the reading I had done. Stop pushing. I think I was starting to get mad at the doctor. But he was trying to protect me from my son’s massive head. If I pushed I would tear, it I lt my contractions push him out, I’d heal better. He was part way out and the nurse told me to look down, the hard part was done. I tried to look down to see him, but couldn’t bend enough to do so.

They put him on me, this quiet pink baby covered in vernix. He was so small! He was beautiful! A full head of dark hair! At 3:46 am he was laying on me and he wasn't crying.

He was early and he was quiet.

The nurses started to rough him up as they wiped the vernix and blood off of him. Calmly ,they told me “if he’s crying he’s breathing”. They had to take him away from me for the apgar test. He started to wail. He had a good set of lungs! He was 1 point away from failing this initial test. 

Apgar stands for Appearance, Pulse, Grimace, Activity, and Respiration. The Apgar is a quick test performed on a baby at 1 and 5 minutes after birth. The 1-minute score determines how well the baby tolerated the birthing process. The 5-minute score tells the health care provider how well the baby is doing outside the mother's womb.

He weighed in at 6lbs 15oz and 19” long!

My husband cut the umbilical cord. I remember the OB swinging the cord sticking out of me like a skipping rope as he birthed the placenta. Then I needed to be stitched back together. Without the pain of a contraction to mask the pain of a needled being inserted into my vagina to freeze me, after all the work that area had done, it was not pleasant. I needed so many stitches that the anesthetic wore off before the OB was done. But instead of taking more freezing I told him to finish off the three stitches and be done with it. 

We’d gone to the hospital with a short list of names. We knew we liked Marcus, but we wanted to see him first before we made our final decision. Marcus Robert Ronald Skuce, his middle names are his grandpas names, a tradition from my family’s side.

The nurses and ob eventually left and the cleaners came to clean up all the evidence of birth on the floor, it looked like a crime scene! And my husband and I were left alone with this tiny little boy. We fired off texts and pictures to the entire family at 4 in the morning! And then the baby photo bombs started on facebook.

A side note, I used to share everything on social media, even a picture of his fist poop! But over his first year I started to hold back and shared less. With my daughter I shared very little of her. I look back at some of the pictures of my son and I in the hospital and I hate seeing a phone in my hand.

The next 24 hours we were awake. I had to feed Marcus every 2 hours, nurses orders. The doctors kept coming to check him to make sure his testicles would descend on their own, if they didn’t he would have required surgery immediately. Breastfeeding was painful. 37 weeks is considered full term, but he still didn’t have a rooting reflex. It took him about 24 hours to develop one. I’m so grateful that the breastfeeding course we took in Beachburg was so awesome. Because my husband was able to help me break the latch and reset my son so it wouldn’t hurt as much. I was too tired or worried or just full of body reset hormones to know what to do, even though we’d both sat through and participated in the same class.

For the entire 13 months I breastfed Marcus, he latched like a barracuda. My daughter was gentle from day one.

From my journal: 

“I got to miss out on the last three weeks of pregnancy. No stretch marks-which I can’t believe! If I had gone full term I probably would have gotten them. But we didn’t get to take maternity photos outside at Petawawa point and the village at Civic Centre road I was going to reenact our wedding and engagement photos. It’s may 5^th now-at the time these thoughts are occurring to me it felt like a loss, but now it doesn’t.

I never got to prepare myself for not being pregnant. 

“I was really nostalgic about my pregnancy, I hadn’t had the chance to prepare myself to say goodbye to it. I had aches and pains -my back especially and heartburn-as soon as I lay down on my right side it burned. Being on my feet was getting difficult, and the week before aquafit and yoga had both been difficult, but they had been abnormal classes with replacement instructors. Dishes were hard because of the height of the countertop. I had to really lean to clean them. Same thing with getting glasses out of the cupboard.

And bending. I only had so many bends in one day-and forget putting on socks! 

And bending. I only had so many bends in one day-and forget doing my toe nails or putting on socks! I could do the socks but it was really hard. Despite these difficulties I felt really good and I was in love with my belly. I napped and I was tired but I was happy.

Despite these difficulties I felt really good and I was in love with my belly. I napped and I was tired but I was happy.

I never got to prepare myself for not being pregnant. I Never thought about the things I would be able to do again, like snuggle close with Mike and get nice and close for a hug. I did dream of lying down on my back on the Livingroom floor!”