My Anxiety has been winning lately
Tuesday emails will be back soon. I have a few topics partially researched but I haven’t been able to settle down, focus and write. I don’t use AI for any of my writing (you can probably tell by the sometimes awkward grammar). Writing is not a chore for me, it’s one of the parts of this small business that I love. You’re not a chore to me, I feel honoured to be part of your inbox every week; that’s why I don’t sell to you all the time, I try to add value by researching little snippets of breastfeeding life.
Lately I’ve been struggling a lot. I don’t think I’ve talked about this before, but I’m afflicted with anxiety every day, despite being on meds for it. My doc recently switched things up and at first, I felt great results, but now it’s back to my usual struggle. And I think it’s because meds can only take me so far, I suspect there is something in my life that needs an overhaul. AS a result of my struggles lately, sitting to write and research has been difficult. I can’t focus for too long, and those negative ‘gremlins’ in my head get the best of me and make me feel like my effort is for not.
Winter is coming, and winter scared me to my core. I need the wilderness and the outdoors to stay refreshed and functioning. In winter I lose access to some of my favourite restorative haunts and activities. The season makes me feel isolated and trapped which is a double whammy since my anxiety does that to me on the inside. I also wonder how I’m going to survive another winter with two kids who will be bouncing off the walls.
The truth about being a mom, and amplified by living in a small house, is that you’re always needed and don’t have a lot, if any, personal space, and I need that to help me reset. But too much lets my gremlins have too much power. It’s a delicate balance.
This year my fears for winter are worse because my husband’s job is taking him away from us until summer. He’s been gone for part of the winter before, but this time he’ll be gone for twice as long and he’s missing the entire thing, Christmas included. I know I can do this but that doesn’t stop me from wondering what’s going to go wrong, and what it’s going to be like having to do absolutely everything while keeping up to my children’s needs and they’re forever wanting.
I’m in the process of reading “Breaking free from Emotional Eating” by Geneen Roth. So far I’m really enjoying the book and she talks about loneliness: “you can deal with loneliness one night at a time. But what you can’t deal with is the idea of loneliness, the fear of it.” I resonated with this line so much. Replace loneliness with any struggle, and it’s a reminder that thinking about something is worse than doing it in the moment. This quote gave me strength. I hope it can be of help to you as well.
I’m not sure when I’ll be able to consistently produce my Tuesday emails again, or even show up consistently on social media, but I’m still here, I’m just dealing with stuff right now and I don’t have any stores of discipline left to draw on to make myself show up consistently. I've decided that being strong right now means taking care of myself and my needs, not pushing myself to show up everywhere, on the blog, social media and in your inbox. I can't sacrifice more for the business right now, which is bad for business, but healing for me.